Krad vs Cooking!
by stars2night
Summary: Left all on his own Krad must learn the do's and don'ts of cooking...before he starves to death by his own hand! Forget carryout! Cooking is soooo much better...R&R!
1. Chapter 1: Evil Krad vs Evil Blender

Disclaimer: mwahahahahaha...of course I do...in my dreams...

Chapter 1: Evil Krad vs. Evil Blender

On his own, Krad had found out that he was totally useless. He didn't know how to dust, or clean, or even work the dreaded vacuum, but he soon found out that was the least of his worries.

_Cooking…such a repulsive word…such an evil and odious task to be stuck doing! _complained Krad. But he had to eat sometime…that or starve to death, he bet Satoshi would enjoy that. Sighing with resignation, Krad dragged his vacuum-beaten body to the kitchen to make his first attempt ever to cook some **edible** food.

Slow dragging feet made their way to the kitchen where desperate golden eyes scanned this alien land for any sort of landform that he might recognized. _This is hopeless…completely and utterly hopeless! Why did Satoshi just have to find a way to rid his body of me? And at such a crucial moment! I had been right about to kill that worthless Risa and bath in her blood joyously but nooooo…instead I got thrown out of that worthless blue haired child's body and sent packing. Oh! The inhumanity!_

Grinding his teeth, he started searching his new girlfriend's apartment…well, actually…old girlfriend…he had kicked her out as soon as he had hypnotized her fan-girl butt to buy him an apartment with his name on it…stupid Risa…such a short memory and brain capacity under all that hair…she really did deserve Dark…

Contemptuously throwing his glittering locks of hair to the side he managed to find a cook book. _Aha! Now we are finally getting somewhere! Now what to make…what to make…_ a flip here, a flip there, and all of the sudden a picture of a pink confection of a cake…_Oh! It looks soooo good! Other than the fact that I hate pink, it is perfect! Hmmm…I could come up with the excuse that since it was pink it needed to be destroyed through my digestive system! Yea…that is it! Wait no…even that sounds corny…Oh whatever, I want the cake and how hard could baking be?_

Hours later…

_Hopeless…hopeless…hopeless…_ rang through his head. Splattered with flour, egg shells covering the floor, the eggs themselves covering the ceiling…the rest…a battle zone…_This blender! This cursed blender! Dark sent you, didn't he? I shall have his head!…and yours if you had one…Now work before I turn you into scrap metal!_ Turning the power all the way up in a hopeless attempt to make it work, the blender refused to turn or even budge. _That is it! I shall…_

_> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >_

Krad! What are you going to do? NOOOOOO! Don't break the blender! You can't! It's Risa's blender! Wait…you can break it…but don't…use…your magic…bad idea man…bad idea…

K, short chappie but the more reviews I get, the more mayhem I will be motivated to create! What else do you have trouble with in the kitchen Krad? Everything?


	2. Chapter 2: Krad vs Eggs, blenders, Gods

Chapter 2: Evil Krad vs. Eggs, blenders, and Gods

Disclaimer: (plucking petals from a flower) I claim it! I don't claim it…I claim it! I don't claim it…I claim it! (last petal) Noooooooooo! It isn't mine to claim…(huddles in corner with her chocolate pocky)

Author's Note: Sorry guys, not much cooking going on in this chapter…just holes in ceilings, Gods who torment people with eggs and random fan girls falling twenty stories or so (just kidding! For now…) ummmm…Krad's thoughts are in italics, Loki's thoughts are underlined…pretty much all you need to know…

_That is it! I shall…I shall…damn, I still need you!…I can not destroy you yet…at least not until I know for certain that there is no other way…_

Glaring some more at the blender produced the same results as last time…absolutely positively nothing! He fought down the urge to kill something…or someone…his shaking hands had curled into balls of rage, ready to pound anything near…especially those egg yolks that kept dripping from the ceiling to land on the back of his neck and slide slimly down his back. No matter what he tried to do, arrange his hair differently, move to another spot, use an umbrella, nothing at all worked. It just kept dripping and dripping onto that same exact spot…

_I have had quite enough of this!_ With a cry of rage, Krad threw a bolt of pure goldish red energy straight at the ceiling. "Come out, come out wherever you are, you damn Loki-pest! Yelled Krad looking wildly around for his invisible tormentor.

A small pop and there he was, black hair gleaming in the small light coming from the small window over the sink. "Tsk, tsk, Is that any way to greet a God, Krad? Especially the God of shape changing and tricksters?" questioned the so-called-God cheerfully, his honeyed words meant to distract and dissuade.

_Annoying pest…_ "Of course not!" cracking his knuckles Krad went on, "I would love to have greeted you oh so much more personally still! As it is right now, all I can do now is just make your life hell!" Shooting another bolt of energy at Loki, Krad scrambled around the counter for cover.

Laughing gleefully, Loki deflected the bolt. Zinging across the room it hit one of the only pans in the room and…back it went to Loki. Dodging out of the stray bolt's way, Loki sent a black, laced with red, bolt after Krad. Krad, grabbing a skillet from the rack he was hiding behind, flung the cookery at Loki's bolt in hopes of deflecting it from its given course, but instead of doing just that, the bolt went straight through the metal, like it was nothing, blackening it until it disintegrated into a thousand million pieces.

Krad then had the pleasure of running around the kitchen in a vain attempt to avoid the lethal blackness. _Dammit! Why did Loki have to block all the exits going out of the kitchen?_ After that there was no time to think, just reflexes to save him as he jumped, dodged, rolled, and flew around the kitchen throwing bolt after bolt in a vain attempt to hit Loki.

Finally, getting tired of dodging all of Krad's bolts of energy, Loki tried to take control of Krad's latest and greatest one and convert it to be one of his own. What fun it would be to chase Krad around with his own energy! thought Loki…except Loki's plan backfired, he was unable to take full control of it and was only able to swerve it towards the already battered ceiling. This ain't going to be good…

A crash as the bolt went through the ceiling and out the upper apartment's floor…and kept going… Staring at each other awestruck they hurried over to stare up at the hole to see how much damage they had caused. Upwards they could hear cursing and threats and it soon became clear that the bolt had actually gone up all twenty stories and on out. "Well at least you now have a sky light," snickered Loki. A grunt was all Krad could answer in reply as he still stood there, slightly glazed look of shock upon his face…until the people above started throwing stuff at him, a large flower pot cracked against your head will either put you to sleep or (if you had a hard head like Krad did) be jolted out of your revelry and get away from the new laundry shoot.

"This sucks! Assassins can just drop in any day now anytime they want…it won't be just you I will be having to deal with…Arrrgggg!" cried Krad. "Look on the bright side," grinned Loki, "At least you have a good place where fan girls can drop in anytime they want to see you without them even having to knock." Krad raged "That isn't any better!…but it is twenty stories…Hey! They will probably die when they land, whew…but the mess! Noooooo!" Krad writhed in agony, " I can't even dust, what in the world am I going to do with a mess like that?"

With a shrug, Loki turned away getting ready to depart. "Oh no you don't, Loki! Fix this! It is your fault anyway!" Loki turned back to Krad with a sly smile, "I am not the God of fixing things…Can't help, sorry!" Grins at Krad's glaring, "…But…since you have been such a good sport I can fix your blender for you!" With a snap of his fingers and a pop a second later, the blender got magically plugged in and Loki was nowhere to be found when the blender started on full power and sprayed Krad with a tidal wave of cake ingredients.

What happened next was too gruesome to expose other than Krad vs. Blender finally came to an end as the blender won all the battles and Krad won the war, being that there wasn't enough parts to even have a funeral over. Krad was then stuck scraping the remaining ingredients out of the bowl and starting over again… this time mixing would be by hand…how bad could mixing be?

Krad later on realized something. _He was sent by Dark, wasn't he? Damn you Loki, God of theives! I will get revenge!…just as soon as I finish baking this cake…_haunting laughter from the sky was the only answer to his thoughts. Shaking his head he got back to work, hoping that this time the eggs would cooperate and actually not stick to the ceiling.

Alright, ummmm…kinda got bored with Krad cooking this chapter…my mind kinda wanders here and there and doesn't follow any set of guidelines whatsoever, wanted a battle and the kitchen destroyed even more, and I got my wish, yay! Will try todo better next time! (or not...you never know...) I need/ want suggestions for what you guys want Krad to fight next in the kitchen. It doesn't matter what! Again, the more reviews I get, the more insanity!


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